He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
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I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
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Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You ruined the universe
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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