do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
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This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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