the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
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He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
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So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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