wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize