I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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