remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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