this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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