hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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