Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize