Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
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its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
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I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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