I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
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Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
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Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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