Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize