If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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