remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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