My cat gives me a boner
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
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I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
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The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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