My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
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I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
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Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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