He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Never let your siblings swipe right.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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