I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
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I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
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How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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