she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
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I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
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I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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