drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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