I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
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You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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