Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
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I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
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It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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