dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize