He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
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its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
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Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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