Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
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mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
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You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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