So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
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My vagina just recognized that song.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
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I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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