textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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