He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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