So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
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I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
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BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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