Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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