i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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