I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize