Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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