What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
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you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
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At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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