Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
