How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
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