you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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