Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
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He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
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Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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