i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize