He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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