Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
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Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
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If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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