You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
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And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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