How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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