Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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