Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
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You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
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i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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