I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
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Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
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no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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