I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
