your parents love me but you hate me
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
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Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
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As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
His nipple licking is glorious
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