every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
try to milk me bitch
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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