I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I checked into jail on foursquare
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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